Only 13 Golden tickets were handed out and how many people auditioned?  Thousands!

That don’t impress much, is a grammatically incorrect phrase, it should read, that doesn’t impress me much, but you will hardly care when ogling Shania Twain – whose musical skills don’t impress me much, but she is flawless looking.  She puts Bag Balm on her face to look like a hottie. Bag Balm is what is used on cow udders to keep them smooth after hours of pulling and twisting.

Okay Shania does look great, and she is single and lives in some huge castle in Switzerland, plus she was about eighteen times better than Victoria Beckham, but when was the last time she had hit or a CD?  If you want to see a funny movie that pokes a bit of fun at Shania and her golden, pristine image, check out Bellini Drive, which is a kind of mock documentary about Paul Bellini, from Kids in the Hall fame.  The film chronicles his unsuccessful drive to get a street named after him, like Timmins’s most famous hometown resident, Shania Twain.  Unfortunately he is Timmins’s second most famous resident, and his dream of a Bellini Drive never comes true.

American Idol’s ratings don’t seem to be suffering much from Paula’s exit, but will they go up when Ellen comes on the show in February – just in time for Sweeps?  Also, what is to happen when Simon leaves next year?  By the way, how could his new gig possibly pay more than his Idol gig, I heard he was making 250K an episode!  Wow!  See, bitterness, superiority and cynicism does pay off.  There is hope for me yet.

Tonight, one of my favorite people is the guest judge, Kristen Chenoweth – pintsized, physically – but with galloons of talents---she has a Tony and Emmy.  I saw her once in a Broadway play that stunk and she was the best thing in the play.  She was incredible in the episode of Glee, where she guest starred last month. 

Do you ever wonder if Paul Abdul is home with a snuggie, eating Hageen Daas, wishing she played nice on the playground instead of taking her toys and bawling down the street?  If Simon and his enormous salary go bye-bye next year will Fox beg Paula to come back using some of the change they have left over from scowling Cowel? 

I haven’t dreamt about Paula in a while, I’m hoping if I put my “Forever Your Girl” CD under my pillow, that dreams of her wearing faux fur and stammering will fill my night with joy.